true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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