You can't motorboat a personality
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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