i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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