She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
