I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Randomize
