I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
