Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
