i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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