he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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