This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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