My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
birth control should be required to get into college
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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