I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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