I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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