I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
