Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
