Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
