My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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