The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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