i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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