We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
