i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
