it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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