I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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