I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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