saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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