i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
