I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
