Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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