Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Randomize
