Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
