this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
