Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
