If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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