I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
