I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
