our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
