i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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