No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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