Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
