I am puke
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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