sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
