the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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