She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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