the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
