i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
