a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
