so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
