i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
