What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
