hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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