i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
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Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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