I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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