In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
