soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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