there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
