Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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