pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
