i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
