you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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